Auto-Correcting Your Soul.

July 2, 2008

A new U.S. record for the 100-meter dash was set earlier this week by runner Tyson Gay. And that's how it was reported everywhere.

Except on the American Family Association's OneNewsNow web site. Apparently they don't approve of the word "gay," even when it's somebody's actual name:

People for the American Way found it first, and the AFA has since corrected it. One wonders how much that hurt. I picture some homophobic Christian squirming on his chair as he changes "Homosexual" back to "Gay," all the while thinking, "This feels so wrong."

Meanwhile...

Everybody's got their panties in a bunch because Obama has endorsed federal funding for so-called "faith-based initiatives."

Personal revelation #1: I am an atheist. No surprise there.

Personal revelation #2: I worked for the Catholic Church for ten years. I did graphic art for the local diocese and got them into desktop publishing.

Ten years is a long time, but not once in that time did anyone proselytize. They knew I was not a churchgoer and it didn't bother them a whit. They liked my work and my attitude, and that was all that mattered to them.

On the other hand, the Mormon bishop at my mother's funeral shook my hand limply and without enthusiasm, while casting a sympathetic look at me that seemed to say, "Ah yes, you're the one who's going to hell, aren't you?" He withdrew his hand quickly and ran to wash up.

If a church wants to do good things, and distributes that goodness without checking a membership list, and if they hire people without consideration of their belief system, I'm OK with that.

Let's not get too bent out of shape about this. Let's get Obama elected and THEN we'll give him hell.

God Is Still Laughing.

June 30, 2008

That's the only possible explanation.

God is still slapping his or her knee as one of the newest arrivals, George Carlin, throws out observations about living, dying, heaven, hell, angels, demons, etc.

Clearly, God is enjoying Carlin's monologue so much that he/she/it has totally forgotten to smite the whole damned state of California for allowing homosexuals to marry each other.

I mean, that's the explanation that was given for Hurricane Katrina, right? Countless people were displaced, homes and communities destroyed, because there was supposed to be a gay rights rally in New Orleans the Monday following the hurricane and its deadly backwash.

Pat Robertson also contended famously that 9/11 happened because God was perturbed about gays getting rights. (Is God overcompensating for something?)

So why has God STILL not besmotified California? He/she/it must be royally peeved about the whole gay marriage thing. What's the almighty holdup?

Now, some may say California was smited when Schwarzenegger became Governor, but I hear tell that Republicans are a BLESSING, not God's curse. So I was really confused about why California was still hanging on to the left coast. Obviously God is preoccupied by something else.

To all my friends and family in California, I say: Thank your lucky stars George Carlin was one funny son of a bitch!

But now, a warning: Eventually Carlin might have to take a break. And, to quote Bill Cosby: "How long can you tread water?"

Heaven Just Got A Lot Funnier.

George Carlin seriously injured my husband.

It was his first HBO special, and we were in one of those beautiful early periods when we got HBO for free, unbidden and unscrambled. We settled in to watch our favorite comedian riff on modern life.

"Think about the average person," he said at one point. "Just picture the average person in your mind. Pretty dumb, huh?

"Now consider this: Half the people in the world are more stupid than the average person!"

We were already howling and wiping away tears of laughter at this point, but Carlin would not relent. He thoughtlessly, heedlessly continued his comedic rant, and my beloved husband started laughing so hard he was gasping for air.

Suddenly he was clutching his chest. "Turn it off, TURN IT OFF!" he managed to blurt between gasps. He was laughing so hard he pulled a muscle in his chest. He could take no more. I reluctantly turned off the TV, and I'm not sure we ever made it through to the end of that show.

The genius of Carlin was that he wasn't funny just to be funny. He talked about big issues. He talked a lot about God. In fact, God was a major force in the end of his Fox sitcom in the 90's.

Here's how I recall it: In the sitcom, George has a good friend who's a priest, and the priest is always trying to lure George back to the church. "I can't get into a religion that condemns Galileo for saying the earth revolves around the sun," George complains to the priest.

"Oh no, we forgave him for that," the priest protests.

"Oh? When?" George asks.

"Last week."

All the same, George won't go back. He returns to his apartment, still muttering to himself about religion. "God's like, like Santa Claus," he muses. He opens the window, sticks out his head, and shouts to the sky, "You hear me, God? You -- Santa Claus -- same guy! HO HO HO!!!"

Suddenly there is a rumbling in the sky. Thick clouds congeal over George's dingy apartment, and a bolt of lightning flashes through the window.

Then we see a pair of sneakers on the floor, emitting smoke. End of series.

But if by some odd chance there IS a God up there in heaven, he must enjoy a good laugh as much as anyone. So there's little chance George Carlin will end up in hell. I just hope his wicked humor doesn't injure the Almighty.

What Is Wrong With This Picture?!

June 19, 2008

Check out this screen grab from the official web site of ABC "News."

Notice something wrong? No? Look again.

Still no? Take a geography class and THEN look again.

The U.S. has been at war in Iraq for over five years now. One would assume that Americans -- maybe even some who work at ABC "News" -- have seen a map of Iraq.

DUDE. THAT'S NOT IRAQ! The shape and placement of the area in that graphic resembles ... hmmm ... Iran????

Americans are getting more stupid by the minute, and the sorry state of "news" in this country is not helpful. I grabbed this image off the web page yesterday and was depressed at the obvious mistake. But what's even worse:

They STILL have not corrected it today!

Thanks to the mainstream media and their cozy relationship with the current administration, we don't see the bodies of dead Iraqis or American soldiers coming home. We don't want to pay to treat their physical and mental ailments. And we don't even know what country they're coming back from, apparently. We're busy getting ready, if George Bush and John McCain get their way, to start bombing another country. Hmmm ... Iran????

I hope we wise up soon. This ignorance is embarrassing and scary.

A Private Message To My Former Self.

June 17, 2008

Today I am addressing the person I was seven years ago.

Hey, fatso. How's that new president workin' out for ya? Still upset about the Supreme Court foisting him on us? Well, get ready, honey, because it's about to get so very, very much worse.

This is you, Janice, in 2008, talking to you, Janice 2001. I know I'm sounding a little harsh, but you have to understand how quickly and completely times can change when you least expect it. For while you are about to experience American fascism unlike anything you could possibly imagine, I'm here in 2008 to tell you things will get much better if you can just keep your head down and keep moving.

"When you're going through hell, keep going." I think that was Winston Churchill.

Because, Janice, first of all, you're going to lose 100 pounds. How's that for starters?

Oh yeah, Janice of 2001, you might also like to know that gay marriage is legal here in 2008. See, I told you things were going to get better.

Yeah, I also mentioned fascism, and life getting excruciatingly worse. Oh, poor, fat Janice. You will cry many bitter tears and attend many angry demonstrations. You'll end up putting a whole CD together documenting the fascism of the Bush administration, in hope that your small effort joins a full-throated chorus of voices demanding justice be done.

And maybe it will. We'll just have to see what happens when the new president takes over. Oh yeah, Janice of 2001, did I mention? We're about to elect our first black president.

Thought you'd like to know.   

The Plot Is Afoot!

June 10, 2008

Last week the nation, indeed the world, was excited and enthused when Barack Obama gave his barn-burner speech claiming the Democratic nomination for President.

“Reporter” E.D. Hill on Fox “News” was, however, not fooled. When Obama and his wife Michelle came out, they exchanged what Hill knew immediately was a Terrorist Fist Jab.

I knew it too. I’ve been to all the meetings and I knew that, when the future First Couple bumped their fists in front of 20,000 screaming fans and the eyes of the nation, it meant the terrorist plot was on.

Those of us in the know are making ready for the takeover that is sure to come. And since we’re pals, I will let you in on our villainous plan.

First, we’re going to send our mouthpiece out to win over the hearts and minds of the American people. Then we’ll stage a vicious coup that results in Bush and Cheney being deposed. At some point, one way or another, we have to get the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court to play along. That’s the part we call “the swearing-in.”

I know it seems like a long shot, but this terrorist plan is totally within our reach. Eventually we will even have the mojo to prosecute the traitors who have stood in our righteous way for such a long time.

Fellow terrorists, take heart! We will prevail. Check it out – Dick Cheney has already signed on to our nefarious plot. We welcome his support, but fear not: when we take the wheel we will NOT let him ride shotgun.

This Is Our Moment.

June 4, 2008

I'm an excitable person, but my dog is even more excitable -- especially when I get excited. So I was glad she was out of the house at the end of Obama's speech last night because apparently I was very excited. All I know is that today, my throat is sore as hell.

The Democratic Party and I have had a troubled relationship. The Democrats' complicit vote to allow the first Bush to start the Gulf War prompted me to opt out of the party. I signed up again to vote for Kucinich, but a lot has happened since then. Today, I am proud to be a Democrat.

Wow, I never thought I would say those words.

Did you miss the speech? Click here and be hopeful for the future. It's a weird feeling, but you might have to get used to it.

That Grim Anniversary Rolls Around Again.

June 3, 2008

Can't help but think about this guy around the beginning of every June, this nameless Chinese Rosa Parks who was fed up with his government, and decided on the spur of the moment to appeal to the humanity of his countrymen.

Did he know, as he stopped that row of tanks on the Boulevard of Heavenly Peace, that his thoughtless act of bravery would become a symbol of resistance the world over? Is he even alive after the brutal slaying of demonstrators at Tienanmen Square?

I was in Tienanmen Square last fall. Of all our travels in China, that was the one place where we felt the most uncomfortable. Security was tight, and people gawked at us foreigners. Cell phones mysteriously could get no signal. "Ask me whatever you want about Tienanmen Square," our tour guide advised, "just not at Tienanmen Square." She did not elaborate.

That creepy crackdown atmosphere is increasingly a part of our everyday life. I still mourn the tragedy of Tienanmen Square in June 1989, but also, more and more, I miss America.

I'm The Decider.

May 30, 2008

I finally made a video to go with Chopped Liver's "big hit" (Thom Hartmann plays this song a lot on his national radio program), I'M THE DECIDER. Hope you like it! It's part of a new project we'll be announcing next week, so CHECK BACK HERE SOON.

Hillary, Iron My Shirt.

May 28, 2008

Anything. Just stop what you’re doing.

You could use a break. You’re looking tired and you’re starting to sound totally nutty. You need to rest your voice and put your feet up for a spell. Hawaii is really nice. Very little sniper fire out there.

Yesterday my friend Helen stomped into my office with fire in her eyes. “Did you hear what she said?!” she demanded. And I knew instantly that “she” was Hillary, and “what she said” was this:

"You know, my husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember, Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California."

Uh — what? So, Hillary’s staying in the race because “something” … might … happen?

Helen and I have talked a lot in recent months about what a wonderful candidate Obama is, how he inspires us to hope for the future, how he is opening a door into a future we never thought we’d see. The only obstacle is Hillary’s increasingly desperate campaign. I hear speculation that she will never give up, might even mount an independent candidacy if the Democratic nomination doesn’t pan out.

It’s sad. I respected her so much, way back when. I was fully prepared to vote for her this year. But every time she opens her mouth she makes herself look worse. Face it: She did not gain a leadership role in this country on her own merits. As qualified and competent as Hillary is, I doubt she would be a senator today if her husband had not been president.

I still want to believe her instincts are good — although that assumption is being sorely tested — but she voted for Bush’s illegal war. Was she following her instincts then, or just being a grasping, ambitious politician? And which is worse? Either way, she comes out smelling skunky.

At this rate, I’ll say it right now: Hillary Clinton will never be president. She has run a ham-handed campaign based on faulty assumptions and a sense of entitlement (which, ironically, also describes how Bush has conducted his little war). Her best bet would be to focus on getting a Democrat in the White House and hoping for, oh let’s say a seat on the Supreme Court.

That’s why I’m saying, Hillary, please. I have some wrinkly shirts.

Thank god this nasty business is behind us.

May 21, 2008

The world has noted that mostly-white Oregon went for Obama in a big way, but I really hope nobody heard about some of the really nasty local races. The midget pirate didn't win the Senate primary, but he was a close second. (Here's his best-known ad; check it out.) Portland is about to get the first openly gay mayor of a major American city, and I didn't even know that until I heard it on the radio this morning. I just voted for him because he was the best candidate.

There was a Republican pro-lifer who was accused of depositing his pregnant extramarital girlfriend at the door of an abortionist -- and that's the guy who won his primary. That was one ugly race.

In other words, it was just like any other campaign, consisting largely of TV ads. The ads for your candidate are inspiring; the ads for the opponent are annoying; you find yourself yelling at the TV when the other party's ads come on. As much as I hate the sports-fan feel of American politics, the system does make everybody feel very us-versus-them. Too bad, too, because we truly are all in this together and we should behave accordingly.

Then there's the news about Ted Kennedy.

I heard a commentator today intone that "we need Ted Kennedy now more than ever." And I thought no, absolutely not. We have never needed Kennedy less.

We have always needed Ted Kennedy desperately, from the moment he first found his voice.

We needed him at his brothers' funerals. We needed him to fight for voters' rights, women's rights, gay rights. For many decades we have needed Ted Kennedy for the environment. Even though he was born to a patrician family, poor folks never had a more effective champion.

From what I've read about his condition, it doesn't sound good. Yet they say Kennedy is in good spirits and full of energy. (I immediately pictured him pinching the nurses.)

Kennedy will be fine no matter what happens. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. Now more than ever.

Portland to Obama: HELL YEAH!

May 19, 2008

OK, we weren't actually there at Riverfront Park yesterday, as upwards of 75,000 souls, combined with a sublime view of Mount Hood and the Willamette River, caused Obama to "wow" repeatedly. We watched his speech live on TV while we were working on a new Chopped Liver project we'll be telling you about with alarming frequency very soon.

Our primary is tomorrow. I hereby predict Obama will win.

One Hundred Years? Sure. Or Maybe Five.

May 16, 2008

Throw away your ageist stereotypes -- elderly people are not stubborn and inflexible. Grampy McCain has been nothing if not open-minded about America's war on Iraq.

• In 2002 the war was going to be a cakewalk: "I think we could go in with much smaller numbers than we had to do in the past ... I don't believe it's going to be nearly the size and scope that it was in 1991." (Face the Nation 9/15/02)

• Ditto in 2003: "I think the victory will be rapid, within about three weeks." (MSNBC, January 28, 2003)

• He was ready to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq in 2006: "If we leave ... the fighting will evolve into chaos there." (On the stump, October 27, 2006)

• By January 2008, McCain was measuring U.S. involvement in Iraq on a geologic scale: "...one hundred years, one thousand years, ten thousand years or until the earth collapses under global climate change." (Time Magazine, January 7, 2008)

• Yesterday, Gramps looked into his crystal ball and saw a democratic paradise in Iraq in less than five years: "By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy ..." (Stumping in Ohio, May 15, 2008)

Uh oh, I'm starting to believe a different ageist stereotype: If PawPaw is any indication, old folks are not inflexible, but they are hopelessly befuddled. Don't forget that McCain also said he'd commit suicide if the Democrats won in 2006. So maybe the elderly are generally dishonest, too. I'm old enough now that pretty soon I'll have to stop trusting myself.

Good news! Somebody else is putting in their two cents about ending the war, too.

You Think He Differs? I Beg To Differ.

May 13, 2008

The headline in the NY Times reads, "McCain Differs With Bush on Climate Change," and there's a picture of Grampy on the stump in Portland, looking all smiles about alternative energy. Hmm, must be an election year.

Here's where we start to see the stark differences between Abe Simpson McCain and Barillary Obamton. Pawpaw is ready to let corporations buy credits to let them keep polluting. Both Democratic candidates have much more aggressive policies cutting greenhouse gas emissions and rewarding companies who move toward conservation and alternative energy sources.

To say you're a bigger environmentalist than George Bush is like saying you're a nicer person than Satan. John McCain, you damn yourself with faint praise indeed. Or rather, the New York Times does.

In point of fact, in the past two years McCain has opposed funding for research on renewable energy, has voted against tax credits for companies using wind power, and is likely to appoint judges that would overturn the EPA's authority to regulate carbon dioxide.

Gramps didn't come through downtown Portland yesterday. He stuck pretty close to the airport, and it's probably just as well. It's common knowledge that we give Republicans a very special welcome here in "Little Beirut."