Why a 'Dr.' Laura Page? Why Here? Why Now?

August 20 2010: I have always felt a very odd connection to “Dr.” Laura, because I happened to have been one of the very first people –- maybe even the very first -– to blog about how hypocritical she was. I wrote an article for my web page back in 1997, and it still prompts people to e-mail us from time to time.

Before her nudie photos surfaced, before her comment about homosexuality being a “biological error,” before her blessedly short-lived TV show, before all her well-publicized ham-handedness, there was me making fun of her.

My main problem with her from day one -– or maybe it was day two; my revulsion was not immediate –- was her absolute certainty that her every utterance was correct, true, perfect unto itself. Any time I sniff someone without a molecule of self-doubt, I get nervous.  They kinda smell a little sociopathic to me.

So I wrote this article, and it gained me a little online notoriety. My opinion piece drew a lot of responses, both positive and negative, and many readers offered me their own wisdom. My favorite was this one:

Dear clp, You are sick! Why do you listen to the show if you hate it so much?

Well, by that time my life had moved on and I was no longer listening to the show anyway, so I thanked my correspondent for the concern expressed, and assured everyone I didn’t listen any more.

That changed earlier this year. In recent months I fell back into the habit of listening to Laura’s show on the local right-wing talk station. I enjoy hearing other people’s problems, and as much as I hate to admit it, “Dr.” Laura does accidentally dish out good advice every once in a while. She thinks she hits the ball right out of the park every time she swings, but every now and then she actually does connect.

So she’s been in one ear while I worked in the garden this summer. And one day I was watering and weeding and snipping and pruning when I suddenly stopped in my tracks and began listening very, very carefully. I think I even said it out loud:

“She sounds drunk.”

The new game over the next few weeks was, “How Drunk Does ‘Dr.’ Laura Sound?” It’s a fun game. Most days you can’t tell, but every once in a while she sounds like she had one or two or three slugs before the mike went live. I haven’t found anyone else who suspects she’s been hitting the bottle, but my slur-o-meter has gone into the red zone a couple times recently.

That’s one thing, and I could be wrong (I’m not). But being accustomed to what passes for her style, the notorious “n-word rant” went right by me with barely a notice. It sounded like just another day at the office for “Dr.” Laura. She was being rude, accusatory and offensive and so what else was new?

It seemed to me like, as usual, she thought she’d aced the question by pulling out those n-words and then getting all indignant. “Nice try,” she said after hanging up on the hapless caller Jade, “no, actually -– sucky try.”

She is just so freakin’ classy.

So yes, I heard it and no, I thought nothing of it. She offends and finger-points at everyone. I'm always surprised when a caller gets away without a tongue-lashing. Maybe her rudeness is what makes her entertaining. Everybody needs to make a living one way or another and I guess “Dr.” Laura made millions with her greatest strength.

And now she says, as a result of -– I’m not sure what -– that she’s quitting her show when her contract expires at the end of the year. She’ll work out the length of that contract, and then …

And then … ???

Dude -- IT’S A BARGAINING PLOY! Good grief, I heard Howard Stern “retire” often enough to know how this game is played. She’s going to wait till the last minute and wring every lousy stinking penny she can out of her next contract, then reluctantly sign away her “First Amendment rights” (which we really must have her define someday) for another nice fat paycheck.

Unless, of course, she gets a better offer from Fox in the meantime. They'll let her spew racist hatred with abandon and glee. There's your First Amendment, Laura!

But I know, I’m just a cynical so-and-so, and “Dr.” Laura is beloved by multitudes who are weeping bitter, bitter tears that their mentor is “leaving the airwaves” (good lord, everything she says needs air quotes any more), and gosharoonies, maybe I was the one who started this big ol’ ugly-ass snowball hurtling down the mountain in the first place.

So I’m going to step back from my chronic cynicism and take “Dr.” Laura at her word. I’m starting a "Dr." Laura page right here. After all, she helped put me on the Internet map and I owe her -– something. And what I have decided to owe her is a countdown clock so we can keep track of just how many seconds are left in her radio career.

But that’s not all. There are so many aspects of this whole “Dr.” Laura situation that I’m certain I will have plenty to say over the next few months as we watch the clock tick her down. That’s why “Dr.” Laura needs, nay deserves, a place of honor on the ol’ Chopped Liver Web Ranch.

There’s more to come, yes indeedy. Tick tock, “Dr.” Laura, tick freakin’ tock.

Oh, 'Dr.' Laura, you've done it again.

August 17 2010: I have a long and colored history with Dr. Laura. Oh, should I have said "colored"? Is that politically incorrect?

I wrote an online opinion piece about her in 1997, back when the world wide web was still a novelty, and I got so many responses it filled page after page. Parts of my diatribe got picked up elsewhere, ending up in the New York Times no less, and one lovely afternoon I was standing in line at Coffee People, waiting for a latte, when I heard 'Dr.' Laura mention me. Me! Dr. Laura mentioned ME!!?!?

That's right. My name is "some dingbat with a web site devoted to tearing me down."

Because, of course, it's all about HER. No matter that I may write about war, the environment, hunger, cultural quirks or human foibles -- the only thing that really matters about me at all is that I wrote an article about 'Dr.' Laura in 1997.

Well, Doctor (of Physiology) Laura has put her foot in it again, quite famously this time, and folks are expecting a response from me. After all, the only real purpose of this web site is to tear her down.

Have no fear, Laura fans and Laura foes. I'm working on it. Oh yes, I am working on it now. Stay tuned.

Our 'Dr.' Laura Web Page.

August 21 2010: OK, I said I was working on a video of 'Dr.' Laura's diatribe on race relations in America 2010. and I've been doing that. I have spent at least two full days creating an animation, with the soundtrack provided by 'Dr.' Laura's wisdom. I'm about half done, and I am sick, sick, SICK of the "n-word." I never wanted to hear it in the first place, and I sure as hell never want to hear it again.

But while I'm in the middle of this labor of love (or ... something), Schlessinger comes on the teevee and says she's leaving her radio show. Here's another vapid, obtuse right-wing chick ripping off her microphone while simultaneously complaining that her First Amendment rights are being violated.

That's funny. I thought she was smarter than that. But on the other hand, maybe she's smart like a Fox.

'Dr.' Laura Alert

September 24 2010: In an attempt to witness and report on the end of an era, I have made it my mission to monitor the final transmissions of "Dr." Laura's radio broadcast, since she says she'll stop doing her show at the end of the year. Herewith is an update.

"Dr." Laura has taken to dropping hints about her exciting post-radio plans. Her mind is spinning, she says. And one brilliant idea occurred to her recently, that helps listeners get more involved with her effort, or crusade, or Youtube channel, or whatever.

"Listeners are going to get to interview ME! Won't that be fun?"

Ladies and gents, we are witnessing a very odd societal trend: Women with an anti-feminist ideology are rising to prominence, women who truly believe the world revolves around them.

What idiots. They should know the world revolves around me.