THIS JUST IN:
Sarah Palin Is A Heartless Fool.

December 21 2010: "Michelle Obama said we should not have dessert." That's Sarah Palin's take-away from the First Lady's campaign to fight childhood obesity.

I have a really good time poking fun at the former half-governor of Alaska, but if she thinks she's being funny -- sorry, Sarah, not so much. If she thinks she's being helpful -- not in the slightest.

I was a fat kid. I was a fat adult. I managed to lose 100 pounds before my 50th birthday, and for the first time in my life knew how it felt to be fit. I'm still mad at me for trapping myself in that wall of flab for so long. Eventually I lost the weight all by myself, taking baby steps, and y'know what the very first step was that led to shedding all that blubber? I CUT BACK ON DESSERT.

What is she thinking? Is political snarkiness a higher commodity than children's health? I feel bad for the fat kids who will be encouraged to indulge in extra s'mores when they hear Sarah Palin's gratuitous political mud-slinging.

The children, Sarah! Won't SOMEONE think of the CHILDREN?!

Worst Governor Ever!

August 9 2010: This is why citizen activism is cool. Kathleen Gustafson, a teacher who lives in Homer, Alaska, heard that Sarah Palin was filming her TLC reality show nearby and decided to greet her with a huge banner that read, "Worst Governor Ever." This is a still from the cell-phone video of their encounter. That's Bristol in the red coat, getting super involved in the conversation. (Watch the YouTube video at this link.)

My favorite part is when Sarah asks Kathleen Gustafson what she does and she replies, "I'm a teacher." Mrs. Palin shoots Bristol a look that says, "Oh, well then of course she's a Communist." I immortalized that expression in the upper right there.

Don't forget to check out our Sarah Palin Mad Libs page. It was made just for times like this.

Is Sarah Palin GOD???

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." -- Isaiah 49:16

	Behold ... the hand of God?

March 9 2010: The Bible quote above proves that God and Sarah are one and the same. They both write on the palms of their hands, and they both believe in building walls. Coincidence? I think not.

Also, note that the quote is from the Old Testament -- so if you happen to be Jewish, you still have to believe in Palin's divinity.

Even in the face of this obvious evidence, I wasn't convinced right away. I had to pray about it. "Yo, God," I prayed mightily, "Sarah, is that you?"

A mighty clap of thunder sounded. The skies opened, and a mighty hand descended from the heavens toward me. I was frozen, unable to move, as the great hand of heaven pointed straight at ME! As I struggled to catch my breath and tried to believe what I was seeing with mine own eyes, the Almighty Hand slowly opened. And there I saw the writing. It said:

"Energy, budget tax cuts, lift America's spirits."

As if that weren't enough, God's voice boomed across the land and spake unto me, saying: "Don't know what I'm gonna do in 2012. Keepin' my options open, you betcha. We need to ..."and suddenly God paused, then cast an omnipotent glance at the palm of the hand and continued: "... lift America's spirits."

"America definitely could use a lift," I agreed with the Almighty, "but I don't know if we can wait till 2012."

"SILENCE!" God cried out, with a voice that split one of my eardrums. "Perhaps you will not have to wait. Maybe Obama's death panels will send you to your great reward before that time!"

"I'm more likely to get there if we don't get health insurance reform this year," I wryly observed.

And that's when God got real chatty. I learned all kinds of holy crap about God's early days, and how when anyone in the God family was sick they'd all jump in the station wagon and drive up to Canada for a heapin' helpin' of that gawdawful socialized medicine there also; God chuckled, "Isn't that ironic?"

"Do you think?" I replied. "A little too ironic. Yeah, I really do think."

So now I'm starting to wonder if maybe God isn't really Alanis Morrisette ...? It makes sense. Alanis is Canadian, and maybe God doesn't want all us Americans hogging up all their universal health care like Sarah's family did.

Watch our video about the rapture, featuring recorded remarks by Our Mother Who Art In Heaven Alaska.

We Were Right.

You betcha!

January 11 2010: It doesn't happen often, so we have to crow when we're proven right. And six months ago, Chopped Liver Productions demonstrated a keen grasp of the obvious when we speculated -- correctly, as I do not hesitate to point out -- that Sarah Palin was leaving the Alaska statehouse to work for the Fox "News" Network. Today that tidbit of data was dropped into our national consciousness, which gives us a perfect opportunity to remind you of how much fun it is to play with our Sarah Palin Virtual Paper Dolls.

Here without further adieu is a relevant section from our blog post from July 6, 2009:

Sarah Palin believes. Oh Lord, how the girl does believe -- in Sarah Palin. Nothing, not Todd, nor Trig, nor Our Troops, nor America, not even God his Mighty Own Self clutches Sarah's faith so tightly. Anything that happens to advance the cause of Sarah Palin is godly and good by its very nature. The only reason she would give up being a Chief Executive is because something better, something more powerful and possibly more lucrative has come along. And that -- OBVIOUSLY -- is what compelled Sarah Palin to say adios to her gig as governor barely halfway through one term.

She's going to work for Fox.

She's going to have her say there on the ol' TV, where Bristol and Piper and the boys can watch Mom every night, it'll be just like she's RIGHT THERE, by golly. She'll be all glamorous and opinionated and Fox viewers will eat her up with a spoon.

Best of all, there will be a constant, sympathetic spotlight bathing her in the glow of approbation. This is SO WAY MUCH BETTER than, like, governing and stuff...

In today's news bucket, we also learned that Sarah Palin told the McCain campaign staff she wasn't nervous about running for VP because it was God's will that McCain chose her as his running mate. Which, if true, is proof positive that God wanted Obama to be elected.

Why Sarah Quit.

July 6 2009: Sarah Palin believes. Oh Lord, how the girl does believe -- in Sarah Palin. Nothing, not Todd, nor Trig, nor Our Troops, nor America, not even God his Mighty Own Self clutches Sarah's faith so tightly. Anything that happens to advance the cause of Sarah Palin is godly and good by its very nature.

The only reason she would give up being a Chief Executive is because something better, something more powerful and possibly more lucrative has come along. And that -- OBVIOUSLY -- is what compelled Sarah Palin to say adios to her gig as governor barely halfway through one term.

She's going to work for Fox.

She's going to have her say there on the ol' TV, where Bristol and Piper and the boys can watch Mom every night, it'll be just like she's RIGHT THERE, by golly. She'll be all glamorous and opinionated and Fox viewers will eat her up with a spoon.

Best of all, there will be a constant, sympathetic spotlight bathing her in the glow of approbation. This is SO WAY MUCH BETTER than, like, governing and stuff.

How could she say no? How could she let a government job get in the way of all that fame and fortune? And why would you not believe what I'm saying is patently obvious? This has been her dream since forever -- a national platform, the love and lust of millions.

All of this rang clear as a bell throughout her rambling, incoherent press conference, but one additional fact became increasingly obvious as she spoke: This girl is crazy as a loon. She is narcissistic and utterly insane. Her grasping ambition (reminiscent of Evita Peron -- don't cry for me, Great White North) and disregard for actual qualifications (yuck, they're not, like, relevant) are sociopathic in their scope. She will do ANYTHING to get ahead.

Governor of Alaska? Feh. An opportunity far more valuable in her eyes has presented itself. Somebody has given her an offer she would be even CRAZIER to refuse.